Got up early. The quiet of the morning all around me. Still a bit tired, still a bit grumpy. The hum of the fridge fills the room. A candle in the far corner of the kitchen. The world is already getting brighter, it’s not longer pitch black, but the sky is a dull grey. I can make out the mountains, the lake. The few stars I saw earlier are gone.
I felt anxious when I woke up. I always do. I can’t quite figure it out, though I think it has to do with pressure, an imagined pressure about the things that needs to be done. Somehow I also feel I’ve been bad. The Goddess is angry with me, or just disappointed. I haven’t done enough to earn her help, and things have also been too good, I’ve been too happy and it’s time for it to stop. I’m not allowed to feel this happy, to feel this much love. At times my heart feels bright with it. Yesterday I felt there were stars inside of me.
Somewhere along my journey of growing up I learned to always expect bad things. Especially if life was good, I could not fully enjoy it because I knew pain would follow.
I have so many dreams. So many things I want to do. Deep inside I know they are possible, but my mind is scared, it doesn’t belive I’m allowed to be happy.
Deep inside though, there is truth. My heart tells me I’m loved. There is no reason to fear. There is no reason to look for pain, going through life all tense and miserable.
I hear one lonely bird. Spring is coming. The snow is almost gone. It only lingers deeper within the forest. It’s been raining for days, the waterfalls are huge, white arteries, some big some smaller, winding down the mountainside.
I ate chocolate with peppermint. It was delicious. Its tangy flavor stays with me. I might make some dandelion coffee soon. It’s sort of a spring ritual, a way of cleansing, of supporting my liver. I naturally crave it this time of year, as well as fresher foods. Foods of bright colors.
Anyway. My mind wanders, all over the place. I’m just writing, without trying to censor myself. It makes me a bit nervous, my perfectionist doesn’t like it. I would like to put my perfectionist under the bed, or in a closet, throw away the key.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to get up this early every day? To have my little ritual of writing, of contemplating myself and life around me.
Oh! There is that bird again. In summer time the bird song will be loud, like a chorus. Now there is only one singing its solo. Sing sing! Little birdie! So beautiful!
Leaning into love is difficult. Allowing joy, letting it nourish me now, deeply, fully. I don’t want to worry about what’s to come. I feel I’m here to learn, through happiness and pain. But I need to be fully present in both.
I can make out the birch trees now. I love them so much. They seem so feminine, so gentle, pure and elegant. They’ve been my favorite trees as long as I can remember. When walking to our cabin in the mountain we would walk through a birch forest. It was my favorite part of the hike.
I breathe deeply. I feel lighter. Brighter. I started my morning with a short dance. It’s my way of asking the God and Goddess to support me, and to remember to pray for others.
I feel like laughing now. I want to embrace this day with arms wide open.
How do you feel, when you first wake up? How do you spend your morning?