What I truly want

My voice froze in me, as it easily does if I let it. My writing journey has been a long, spiritual thaw for me. But when I don’t share because I fear it’s not good enough, or even stupid, it’s like my voice became very small. Stuck in my throat.

But I’m also not sure what I want to share. My life has changed in strange, wonderful ways since I moved from Norway to Slovenia. And there is a different kind of magic here that I’m learning to listen to and interpret. A glittering, gentle presence. The wild stormy sky and dark forest at my doorstep is no more. But in their stead is a warmth that I’m drawing into my bones. Friends and beauty, and a brighter sun that rises early, even in winter.

I’ve been working on getting up early, in the moments before dawn. I’ve been drawn to spirituality and the divine since I was a little girl. I would speak to God as a child because it made me feel safe. The stars were gods gazing back at me. The sky spread out before me was a great, friendly voice that spoke of love. And in the darkness before dawn, I want to listen to the quiet voice in my heart, and light a candle at the feet of the Goddess. I want to be a guided by a clear, steady knowing. I want to be free of the clouds of doubt and worry. There’s a voice ringing through my soul and I want to follow its song.

I want to be a priestess of the Goddess.

That’s why I’m writing a novel about a priestess, and writing my way through old grief. I’m dissecting the path I’m so drawn to step onto, and that also leaves me confused. I need a way to express the thoughts and feelings that move through me. Images of beauty that I wish were real. It would be wonderful to spend time in a white temple by a dark lake. White mountains at my back. To sing worship to the Goddess in everything that I do. To have magic at my fingertips. 

It’s taking too long. Writing this book. It’s a spiral journey in ever tightening circles and there’s a lot to overcome within me to be able to put words to the page. It’s a wonderful, magical path when I stop putting pressure on myself. It’s so easy to want to be more than I am, right now, move quickly forward to be worthy to spend time doing the things I love. It makes me very anxious when something is taking so long. Doubt fills me. But I have to write. There’s a clear, almost stern voice telling me there’s no other way. A strong core of stone at my heart. My thoughts are fretful, anxious wings beating against stone, and I know, deep down, that I’m safe. 

The world is all white outside my window. White upon white. The snow continues to fall, and I find myself dreaming of a white Christmas. Wishing you a beautiful Advent time. May the light shine in the darkness. A candle forever lit in your heart. 

9 Comments on What I truly want

  1. Ella
    December 1, 2017 at 10:56 am (5 months ago)

    Keep going with the book Anne Linn! It sounds like you’re deep in the birthing process – it will always be painful! Wishing you much determination and courage!

    Reply
    • Anne Linn
      December 1, 2017 at 6:48 pm (5 months ago)

      Thank you, my very magical friend! 🙂

      Reply
  2. sarah
    December 2, 2017 at 5:49 pm (5 months ago)

    maybe you could think that, instead of it “taking too long” it is taking just the perfect amount of time for itself, the natural amount for what it needs. not all flowers grow at the same rate and if we tried to push them to do so they wouldn’t thrive.

    i’m so glad you’ve found beauty and happiness in your new home <3

    Reply
    • Anne Linn
      January 11, 2018 at 10:40 am (3 months ago)

      Oh sarah. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t notified of your comment and didn’t see it. Thank you for your support 🙂 It’s true…some flowers take a bit longer to bloom.

      Reply
  3. Jade
    December 2, 2017 at 6:59 pm (5 months ago)

    I wish you many blessings as you set your heart upon writing your novel. I can relate to the conflicting feelings a writer often experiences. What helps me is tuning into my heart center and moving forward, bit by bit, from that place. Through your words, I sense your intuition and passion, which are wonderful things. May you feel the nearness of God as you write.
    Jade recently posted…A Poetry Book on its WayMy Profile

    Reply
    • Anne Linn
      December 3, 2017 at 11:20 am (5 months ago)

      Thank you so much, Jade. I think you’re right. That tuning into our heart center is the best, and the most peaceful way to move forward. One step at the time. What a beautiful wish. May you also feel the nearness of God as you write 🙂

      Reply
  4. Sandi
    January 10, 2018 at 9:58 pm (3 months ago)

    “Norway to Slovenia”

    It seems to me like different places have a different peace.

    About the time it’s taking you to write the book: How long is too long? Why?
    Sandi recently posted…The time I met BonoMy Profile

    Reply
    • Sandi
      January 10, 2018 at 9:59 pm (3 months ago)

      I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to put that link there. How did that happen?

      Reply
    • Anne Linn
      January 11, 2018 at 10:36 am (3 months ago)

      I tend to put pressure on myself in most areas of my life. I suppose I didn’t think writing a book would take this long, and still it’s moving forward very slowly. But at the same time, I can see I need this time to learn exactly how and what I want to write. Thanks for your comment 🙂

      Reply

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