July 2017 archive

Leaning into the heart of the Goddess

I’ve written several posts that I left in drafts. I don’t think I will publish them because they were too full of hurt and anger, grief. But it is better now. It always gets better. Just have to stand in the fire for a while.

I feel very blessed living in the place I live. So full of beauty. To go for morning walks and see the light in the trees, in the beautiful gardens, overflowing with flowers. I like to walk by the river especially. There is something about the water that calms me, soothes me. Without it, I feel parched. The other day I watched a small bird dancing on a rock. It was all black with a white chest. It flew into the water, diving, swimming around. I didn’t know it could do that. It seemed so full of joy.

The days have been less hot, and I welcome the cool air, the mist on the mountains, the wild thunderstorms. I hide away when it gets too hot. I’ve been circling by the butcher shop to get raw goat milk, raw butter. It’s amazing to find such things. Treasures really.

I have my desk where I can sit and write, my own little place finally. And I can see the mountains from my window. All blessings. 

In the afternoon I curl up on my bed with a good book and my notepad. Sometimes I need a day when I can fill myself to the brim with writing. To step into the world of dreaming and stay for a while because it’s so easy to be shaken out of it.

The Goddess

She is perfume. She is rose sweet. She is love. The most sacred flower in the depth of your heart. Fragile petals opening in darkness. Strength confused as weakness. She is life, beauty. Love. 

Sometimes I fall asleep to the scent of roses (or the feeling of that scent.) 

I draw closer to her like this. My Divine Mother. I listen more. And I feel her showing me something that I can’t fully grasp because it goes so much against my stern ideas about life and love. But I want to believe what I start to glimpse inside of me. A truth I didn’t dare to believe in.

I feel letting in love takes courage. To be open and vulnerable. And being so loved, so near my Divine Mother makes me feel unworthy, very small, and yet deeply loved. It’s a strange combination, and it’s easy to run away.

I was reading a book about a girl who lost her parents and sister. And I felt myself in her. It made me feel how great my loss really is. How deep it goes. Deeper than I knew. I still think of my family with a pang of longing, that sense of being a tree in a winter forest, just starting to gather leaves. We can not turn away and forget. We have to walk through things, so I write. My main character goes through a great loss, but it’s easier to write about someone else. To look at things from a distance. And make her learn courage, faith, love, all the things I wish for.

The novel I’m working on is me piecing my soul back together, putting words and understand to my grief loss, without feeling too scared or overwhelmed. 

 

Note: Sarah is soon releasing the updated version of her novel as an ebook. Please check it out. Truly it’s wonderful!

The Summer Solstice and other things

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This seems to happen so much. I write something and then I never post it. I’ve been wanting to blog more but I always feel too tired to do so. Many things have happened, but I’m starting to feel the ground beneath me again. I’m trying to love summer and not to wait wistfully for autumn. Anyway, here are some words I wrote a while ago: 

Remembering

The sun is fading from the mountains now, and so much has happened. A whirlwind of events, both magic and pain put together. I feel tired out and can only lie and look at the mountains outside my window, the deep emerald forests, the pale green fields between them. I’ve moved apartments again, and I love this new view from my bedroom window. From the right angle, I can pretend there’s only mountains and sky and me.

I’m in the middle of unpacking. Making a new home. A nicer home, hopefully. I’m also unpacking everything that has happened, holding the events in front of me, turning them over, looking at them. It feels like a breath out, these last few days. I want to close my eyes and rest and let go of the things that hurt me and hold onto those little gems hidden in everything that I went through.

And I’m a year older. I felt pampered on the evening of my birthday, after spending the day packing and carrying boxes up four flights of stairs. Luckily friends came to help. I feel very blessed to have beautiful friends around me. After sunset I unwrapped presents and ate a divine raw chocolate rose cake, with rose petals on top. And the sky was a delicate pink. A lonely star shone through it. A new year has begun.

That night my husband and I also moved into our new home, slept in our new bed for the first time. The next day it rained heavily. There were claps of thunder, streaks of lightning and rain that poured down heavily. I loved it. Loved how the sky darkened with clouds, and how the heat broke for a little bit. We watched it all from the verandah, with flashes of lightning around us, eating leftover cake.

The Summer Solstice

And the Solstice has come and gone. There was magic in it that I’m still unraveling inside of me. A group of us walked up the mountain to do a ceremony at the sunrise. The moon was a sickle in the sky, with Venus right beside it. The girls stopped beneath it, and washed our faces in the morning dew. We did the ceremony in white robes with golden sashes, wearing flowers in our hair, walking into a pink sunrise.

In the evening we gathered again, sang songs inside as it was thundering outside, and breathed the beautiful scent of calendula, the golden flower.

Hope you had a beautiful Solstice. Wishing you bright blessings onwards.