Last night I read a book about a man who had a near death experience, and felt how immensely God loved and appreciated him. I longed to feel that as well, and I decided to pretend that it was true, that I was deeply loved by the Divine.
It was also something that felt very right. I do think I’m loved, and yet it’s hard to trust it. How can it be true when I make so many mistakes?
Lying in my bed I felt like I was resting in love, and it was such a great change from how I normally feel. It was such a relief.
And my night was very different. I astral projected. At first I stood in darkness next to my bed, but as I moved away everything became crystal clear. I flew through my window and into the sky. I was alone and it was dark, but somehow it was easy to see, as though everything was lit by the light of a full moon.
I got up before dawn, still with a sense of magic, and saw the orions belt and pleiades glittering outside my window.
I went outside and it was not even cold. I gazed up at the sky and touched the birch tree I often say hello to, and I could see the stars like pin points of light between its branches.
It was harder to feel loved once I was awake. I sat down and remembered my night, and spoke with the Goddess, but I felt anxious and a little down without quite knowing why.
I took the bus to a friend, the sun just coming up from behind the mountains. It was dazzling; all that sunlight and blue sky, the lake like black velvet.
We drank tea and talked for a long time. I felt refreshed and started to remember what I wanted, what was important to me. It felt like a sacred time.
Thank you for this day.
This is something I wrote about a week ago. I was in a heavy place, but then it got better. It always does, and it feels good to remember that.
Yesterday I stood by the ocean, and I heard no cars, only the wind in the trees, the waves against the shore. The sky was full of clouds, and seagulls hovered high above me, floating on the wind, dark silhouettes against the sun.
There is something special about the ocean. I live near a lake, and I feel so blessed to be able to see water every time I step outside, or look out the window. So blessed to hear the gentle lapping of waves during the day, and to see the lake still as glass early in the morning.
But the ocean has a voice of its own. A loud voice that can drown out your troubles for the time being, or, as you stand there you can throw your troubles against it, all your pain and fury, and it will swallow it up. It’s so huge, endless, reaching into the horizon.
I’d like to live by the ocean sometime. If the Goddess is willing.
I’ve been through some dark days lately, days where it felt like I just wanted to sleep because there was little joy in being awake. I got scared for a moment, because it’s been a while since I’ve felt like that. One day I was too tired to do anything but to sit with myself, so I did, as best as I could. I stared out the window and watched the day growing darker, and I prayed to the Goddess. I decided to trust her, that she would take care of things, and I prayed for her to take away my pain. And then it lifted a little bit. Something changed, and it felt like there was space inside of me, a small space of light, where a moment ago there had only been darkness.
Have you gone through dark times? How did you get out of it?
I see glittering lights in white trees, tiny birds jumping between branches, dancing in the morning air. There is silence. Nothing moving, nothing stirring; no leaf, grass, or water. Only those birds, and the rain dripping from the roof.
The mist floats above the tree tops, green tops reaching into a white sky, the lake mirroring a forest and dark mountains, the trees mostly naked, waiting for the coming winter.
The world is holding it’s breath, at the entrance of winter, at the entrance of a deep darkness that will swallow everything, leaving it in a blanket of white, sleeping, resting, waiting.
The Solstice is coming, like a soft glow upon a frozen earth. A light in the darkness, people lighting their candles, flames flickering in window sills. A gathering magic, a mystical force that dips into the forest, even into the city streets. Something in us remembers, remembers the light, and in the silence, it enters our hearts.
This is something that trickled out of me one morning. I had no idea what to write. I felt quite anxious, afraid even, and so I just started putting down the first words that came to me.
I long for the Goddess, I look for her in everything, but I also fear her in a way, of the change she’s bringing, wondering just how far I can lean into her love and guidance.
I feel the Goddess inside of me, like a white light, a glow that I can rest in, and I feel myself sinking, sinking into trust, letting myself fall, knowing she’ll catch me.
I feel her love for me, if I’m silent, if only I dare to sit still for a time. It’s like a distant glimmer of something, something precious, something wonderful, a light that grows closer the more I feel into it, the more I sense it, and know that it’s there.
It’s difficult to sit with myself, to face everything I am. I want to cry. I want to escape. I can rush around all day, and she’s always there, but I don’t feel her, I don’t listen, I run from myself and her love, and I wonder why she’s left me, when I’m the one who leaves, who forgets.
But as I sit still, like this, I start to notice the world again, and how magical it truly is. How wonderful. There is a subtle bliss in simply noticing life. How wonderful it is to be alive, to experience being human, to feel my own heart beating, to listen, to breathe in the scent of spice, and notice the details of the table cloth, the flickering candle, yellow fire dancing. The tiny drops of rain in the trees, the sky subtly changing from white to baby blue.
I feel the true magic is in Her. It is in Love. To be loved for no reason at all, to be humbled by it, astounded, confused, and finally accepting, opening up, having the courage to receive generously, to let it fill me up, and watch it trickle, like a stream, unto others.
I walk in the love of the Goddess. I walk in her light. She’s in everything, in nature, in me. I feel lost without her, abandoned, without guidance and strength. Without her, the light goes out of the world, and there is a shadow to everything, even those things that dreams are made of, even those things that should bring great joy, have no meaning without Her. Without love, life itself loses its meaning. And I become a lost wanderer, looking for the light, crying out for it, though I might not know it.
I’m scared to move on, I look for courage, and I find it in Her. I feel her smiling, walking with me, along this narrow path of light. I see Her as a loving Mother, as a terrible warrior of fire and light, the darkness retreating.
Do you feel loved, at least, at times? Do you feel loved right now?